How Fear And Self-Doubt Played Me In 2017.

I know I’m over a week late, but Happy New Year! I sure as hell can’t believe it’s 2018, can you?! It’s funny how the older you get, the simpler your plans become to ring in the New Year. This year Candice and I went to an early church service and later met up with friends for dinner.

I had some great moments in 2017, I’m a huge music fan so I saw a lot of my favorite artists live. Sampha, Jay Z, Kendrick Lamar, Wale and Jidenna. I booked a cool acting gig that I will speak more about soon. I also got to audition for a couple of my favorite television shows, and even though I didn’t book them, I got callbacks on both. I was also in consideration for a “life-changing” role for a few months before I found out I didn’t get it. The guy that did book the role is featured on the marketing billboards, and there’s one by my house that I drive by every day. Kinda weird knowing I could’ve possibly been up there. But I’m not complaining, progress is progress.

One goal that I failed to meet in 2017 was to self produce a project that I’ve been dragging my feet on for years. I told myself 2017 would be the year I got it done, but I failed miserably. I thought it was procrastination and sheer laziness that was stopping me, but during church I realized it wasn’t. It was fear and doubt. And to be completly honest, I can’t believe I just typed that. As men, we go on and on about how we “Fear Nothing But God” but that’s a lie. I fear a lot of things and at the moment, this writing/producing content goal scares the shit out of me.

**Side bar, this post is a bit more personal than usual. In 2012, I had a therapist suggest I start a blog to document my thoughts and open up more, but I never did. Going forward the topics on this blog will be changing a bit, to finally do what she suggested all those years ago. I hope these types of posts will help and encourage others.**

Back to the fear and doubt. What bothered me most was that it wasn’t as if I was too busy with my personal life or work to accomplish this goal, I thought about it daily. I had a script that I felt was entertaining and I was constantly rewriting and reworking scenes to make it better. I had writer/director/producer friends tell me that “it was better than a lot of stuff out there, so shoot it.” But I didn’t. I’d get cold feet. I constantly used football games, family issues back home or hanging out with friends as an excuse to avoid doing the work. I compared myself to others on social media that were already doing what I planned to do. So I did nothing. My confidence was shot. Some days it felt like something creative that no one would expect from a silly guy like myself, and some days I wanted to throw my laptop in the ocean.

As an actor or entertainer in today’s climate, it’s important to create your own projects to remain busy and to showcase all the talents that you possess. With that said, fear and doubt is a mind game that I can no longer afford to lose. My MAIN creative goal for 2018 is to revisit the same goal from 2017 and get this thing shot, editied and out for the world to consume.

Is there anyone else out there struggling with a goal or talent that scares you? If so, what are your plans to overcome that fear in 2018?

God speed.

-Bob